As final remarks with regards to how the fanart contest happening, relates to the national bird drawing contest; I felt the same impression towards the subject of direct copying from reference/material. Since the final output of the bird drawing was more or less a "collage" of 4 different philippine eagle stock photos; only the backdrop was "original", or "drawn with no copy". I wasn't fond of the idea, actually. But you know: I don't even draw birds. Had the contest been about the subject of man, maybe I could have done at least a fair job of creating an original piece. But no, it's about birds. The national bird, even. That of which lives in the mountainous and remote regions of the geography. As much as I'd like to, I can't just go outside and take a picture of said birds, hoping that they're flying around, since the philippine eagle doesn't even live in the urban. Nor any wild eagle for that matter; I don't think big birds of prey could ever thrive within cities. It would be cool, though. That's why, I just finished drawing the piece, even though it was "just a compilation of stock photos". My quick research/study about the skeletal structure of birds and the design of their feathers helped me "connect" as I drew, nonetheless. The practice of learning about the subject I did at the time, is one of the earlier instances I chose to outsource information first, and educate myself, rather than straight up drawing based on the scarce information I know about the subject. Hence, during its "production run", it reminded me of my humble knowledge about things beyond the human form. Of course, everybody has an idea or two about the things around him; but, it is undoubtedly only a select few, which we casually know well enough to be able to informatively describe or draw. Heck, even when I was learning anatomy at the time, I wasn't capable of drawing the human body that "reads". What more of a bird.. I'm not a genius nor was I fond of them growing up.. Results came in, and I won no laptop. I sure learned some information about birds, though.
On the other hand, the illustrations I did for college were also successfully submitted. I believe I almost got sick due to the semi-crunch time schedule for drawing everything. Unfortunately (or arguably, fortunately), I did not pass the Architecture Department's secret entrance exam. I am now more grateful than sad, that I did not pass the test. I've always felt something a little off about the whole thing from the get-go, anyway. I've always had the subtle impression that the mandators of the course were sizing themselves up more than what they're actually worth. In turn, they're expecting to be regarded as such, and would be expecting way more from students, all the more. Also, seeing as how they were, most probably, looking for "notable entries" through their secret exam; I don't know man, but is that really it? Like, I get that they want to see the degree of draftsmanship of the aspiring students; but like, to expect semi-fine to fine work from them, from the get-go? I, for one, am just new to the scene, but was willing to learn. For people like me, who haven't practiced drawing in the style they were looking for, but were pretty much willing to be educated; was there no chance for us from the beginning? Simply because we weren't putting much hours into architectural studies, prior? From an objective sense, yes. It is a necessity to a degree, to have "screenings", since it is not impossible that some people are just joining the course in total whim. Nevertheless, in another sense, no, it isn't actually that very helpful. For the reason a student is enrolling in a course is because he chooses to engage himself in learning more about the field. Heck, the reason a student is enrolling in a university is because he wants to continue his studies.. By the same logic, it's kind of similar with job listings that are "open to fresh grads but requires at least 3-years of work experience". You know what I mean.
At this point: I have already failed in getting my chance to pursue Fine Arts in my first university of choice, and was rejected of a course I could've found myself studying instead, in my second university of choice.. I have no solid decision as to what I want to be doing in the future; therefore, no guides nor restrictions as to what course I would pick.. Wait, actually, if anything, at the very least, I am aware of the ones I do not prefer. That being said, it kind of narrows down my choices; business or corporate-related courses are like the last resort for me. The only course I thought was viable, in line my yet vague pursuit of the arts, was the Bachelor of Arts in Literature Studies. And the reason as to why I picked the course: at the time, I was reading a lot of manga, right? I thought that if I won't be able to study for Fine Arts, I might as well go for the Literature Studies course; at the very least, it might provide me the opportunity to broaden my literature horizons and help me become knowledgeable enough, if ever I decide to create my own work. My own manga.. That very specific reasoning, down the line, proved unsupported quickly.
November. It has already been 3 months since I started my "college life". I've been attending my online classes, whose schedules resembled a messy puzzle board, with pieces here and there. My sense of flow for drawing was unsurprisingly disrupted since I could no longer simply draw from day to night. My only time to draw was in between the class hours.. As if it was a prophecy of doom, one day I just felt and envisioned how the potential next 4 years of my life, would be spent learning under the stale curriculum I found myself in. One can say that going in half-heartedly in anything, plus doing so, times over, have consequences of their own right. At the very least, I was aware that what I entered wasn't Fine Arts to begin with; it was Literature Studies. That what I chose to sign up for, promises me a different reward/outcome.. But even that, it seemed (and still seems) unable to deliver.
Unwilling professors, "self-studies", "group reportings", opinionated sermons (I had a professor who talked more about his personal political views instead of teaching), and course-irrelevant subjects of studies. I thought that the shortcomings of basic education, which are specialization and "career interest-building", were to be handled and solved within universities. I thought, "finally, I would be struggling with the high standards of high-caliber professors!".. Turned out, I had to struggle with the high standards of professors whose actual capabilities were questionable. How they handled their classes with the same approach: "okay, this is the topic. research about it independently; you will also report and discuss about it in the same manner. if by the end, you don't know about the topic, you fail my class.. then, i would teach you something substantial about it". The familiar stale air which doesn't really promote a healthy and engaging studying environment for everyone involved. I believe I saw a vision of myself, studying for the next 4 years, of things I don't really even care about, and just finally landing on a desk job I've been anticipating, but not looking forward to, all the while. I saw how I could easily continue the monotonous lifestyle I chose to abide with, for the years prior. Years of nothing but "just get good grades; then, I can play as much as I like. The future is bright; a good report card and a college diploma would surely secure me a spot in the future". Yeah.. Moments when I actually considered thinking about my future feel like far in between, but at the same time, feel like is the thing I always think about whenever I'm daydreaming..
The only good and useful thing I managed to come across during the first and last 3 months of my college life, was the book entitled, "Philosophy of Art" by Noél Carroll. The book was assigned to be the source material for our (godforsaken) "self-study", in our Philosophy (?) class. I believe we had to read about at least more than half of the book; then, create a 1000 word reflection paper as to what we learned about it. On top of the fact that we weren't even being given a preface as to what the book is all about, nor being supported for the rest of our "self-study", the professor of that class was demanding for us to read at least 285 pages worth, within 2 weeks; all for a single piece of reflection paper. Even the ones who typically just nod their heads on whatever they're handed down with, was appalled by the absurdity of the assignment.. After that, they still proceeded to nod, and do the thing with no regards to its purpose nor relevance.. I also proceeded to do it; but, I sure didn't "nod" and acknowledge that the things I noticed were fine.
The book, "Philosophy of Art", was the first one I read of its kind. Books discussing the underlying philosophies of the art practice. How it transitioned from one argument to the next, all debating as to "just what is art really all about? what is its universal definition?"; I personally am fond of both art and philosophy. Needless to say, I absorbed that fat book pretty well.. I say that but actually, I still haven't finished reading the whole thing. As to why: simply because I have better things to do, which is to draw. Nevertheless, I surely managed to read at least half of the book, and appreciated the knowledge thus far. Furthermore, as much as it begs the reader to think deeply, the arguments were laid out and explained consistently accurate, concise, and not so "artist-exclusive", that an average reader would be able to understand the "why's" of the arguments, which are actually already layers deep, in terms of context. I came across information, looking at art with an academic eye; another, an abstract one. How Sir Carroll fairly shone the spotlight upon the numerous and contradicting standpoints, made me felt, as a reader, the sense of borderless consideration.
I forgot on numerous occasions, that I was reading the book, primarily because I had a reflection paper to write. But I also knew that, that is the point of the whole thing; the point of "studying", in general. It's not always obvious, the fact that we are only really "learning" in school, if we successfully observe and practice the things we study inside the classroom, outside, and see their actual relevance in life. I wonder how it was, for people back then, during the times when the concept of studying was first defined or formulated in man's language. I wonder if people were learning more spontaneous, until they learned about and became conscious of the concept of learning.. For the society I am living in, as far as I know, the concept of "studying" is mainly about the grades, the good presentations, the informative essays, the "perfect exam paper, answered with memorized one-time only relevant information".. It was the kind of studying I considerably observed during my lifetime spent in academic institutions; unfortunately, including college.. That the parties involved are in classrooms, not to study (the truthful learning and understanding of the subject matter), but only to "study" (the memorization of this and that information, so as to get good grades in this and that exam; all for the sake of the numbers game). I believe I have to say - for some people - that I, for one, diligently worked for my school grades. That I am not giving comments about the obvious-and-already-recognized-yet-still-not-being-amended academic system, from the standpoint of an irresponsible student. I always took "studying" seriously. Yeah. I took "studying" seriously.. It is easy to see how I ended up being indecisive with my career. I "studied" for a considerable amount of time, after all.
After the writing and passing of my reflection paper, I have not read the book again. I parted ways with it though, with intentions of finishing it, the moment I decide to pick it up again someday. It's a good read, after all. Me, coming across this book during college, is one of the "chance meetings" that fortified my stance for art.. That being said, I gave it much needed thought, and decided to drop out of college. I considered how I would be on my own, how I would more or less be moving forward without the "safety net" of society's working people's conveyer belt of a path. I would not deny that it poses value and pressure, since the current society is heavily influenced by capitalism and whatnot. How the "if you're in it, and you want a good life, you might as well hurry the hell up and reach for the top. Because if not, then happily put on your shackles and work for someone else" type of living is the most prevalent in recent times.. I've always felt that, that way of wording things isn't really farfetched.. But more important than all the practical reasons and factors to consider, the major influence to my decision is simply my innate preference for drawing and all things art.
"If you can't live your life the way you like it, you might as well just die". Given the right degree, it sure stands; the argument that if you're living, but not actually living the life you want, you might as well not be alive. It's not a pretty picture, someone living out their whole life, just cause. To be fair, living a "just cause" life is a way of life. Nevertheless, choosing to live for a greater purpose is also a way of life. That being said, it's one of the mindsets which I currently employ in my own. Another being: "just where was I pulling my sense of reasoning or even hope from, all this time, that there would be a "next life", where things would "go right", where I would "be able to fulfill even my dreams within dreams", and where I "could" chase my dreams".. I never gave it form nor words, the concept of "pass it up for next time". Of "pass it up for the next life". The concept of letting something which appears or is actually steep from my current standpoint, for "another me". With that "other me" being "more capable" of this and has more of "that talent". That "other me" being dedicated to the art practice ever since the first drawing he ever did.. I subconsciously practiced that way of reasoning to keep myself from attempting heck-knows-how-many things I have encountered in life. And I believe there's a ton of people like me out there; people who pass up their great and noble ambitions as they breath.. People who accepted that their dreams are only achievable only in the "next life", because in that life, x and y and z things would finally align, giving them the n opportunity they lost during that m time.. It's sad how in this world, it is so much easier to give up on our dreams rather than our "life". Our "just cause" lives. The mindset of dying as the better option rather than living a life I don't even care about, and that there's actually no "other/next life", so I might as well start working towards my ambitions now, are two of the most fundamental way of life I practice.