Left: Composition Studies with Fine Art works as material. Right: An overly-constipated clear file. Mostly filled with study drawings. I hardly drew an "original" around the first year of my self-studying.
The reason I picked up anatomy as the very first subject of my studies, is because I want to get better at drawing people. And the short goal I had in mind was to finish the books I picked. I believe I selected 4 books; but, sticked with only 3. They were: 1.) The Natural Way to Draw by Kimon Nicolaides 2.) Atlas of Human Anatomy for the Artist by Stephen Rogers Peck and 3.) Bridgman's Complete Guide to Drawing from Life by George Bridgman. I made a daily schedule for myself, so as to have a sense of flow with how I studied. In the morning, around 7 to 12, I would be studying as instructed in Sir Nicolaides' book. It had class schedules which I "attended". For a days' worth, a class takes about 3 hours. I believe I owe way more than I could think of, to Sir Nicolaides. Just as or probably more important than my learnings of the existence of "gestural" "contour" "mass/volume" "composition" "drapery" drawings, was to have my earliest stages of studying art be guided and informed not of the techniques, but of its "purposes" and "reasonings". Those of which are, in my opinion, slightly more favorable to transition to philosophical talks. I do believe that there are people out there who are capable of thinking about and/or practicing art, without ever having philosophical contexts in the mix. Surely, not everybody thinks about arguments nor questions the existence of the work they are doing, every time they draw or paint. I don't. If we do, then we're simply philosophers, not artists. I guess what I'm trying to say is that, Sir Nicolaides' approach on teaching art felt closer to seating meditation for me, rather than being in a classroom. Of course, it still does both, but as much as it felt like the good kind of studying, it also felt like something more. I wonder if it's exactly how Sir Nicolaides intended things to be.
I learned invaluable lessons from his words which spoke mainly not of the measurements/proportions of the body nor of how to approximate a desired distance from a given subject in the accurate way - solid draftsmanship is one of the strongest weapons an artist could ever wield, don't get me wrong- ; but, more of what is in the center, the core, of any drawing. That of which is its "gesture", its "message", "purpose of being".I was already drawing "gesturals" prior to reading Sir Nicolaides' book. Even contour and mass as well. But I believe that it was a first; when I drew gestural drawings, while consciously reminding myself that what I'm doing is a "gestural" one. The gesture. In this context, is not limited only to "movement"; but, the thing that "reads" from a work. The "idea" we think about, the moment we look at the drawing.
In terms of learning materials/resources, it was pretty tight for me. I mention this because I remembered how plentiful drawings had the same image as reference. Over and over and over again. How the stock photos I used for today's gesturals would also be for tomorrow's. I was only getting by with a gigabyte of data for every 3 days; I had to spread it thin. Since Sir Nicolaides laid out his class schedule just like an actual academic type, it revolved mainly on the figure. That of which I definitely did not have access to. Stock photos are the closest I could get to seeing a model. I had to compromise in some of the exercises, such as those that demanded for the student to draw the figure, from different angles. I "went around" and drew figures from "different angles" only in my mind. I wonder how much value I managed to take away from repeatedly drawing the same photos, indefinitely, back then. Same pose, same perspective.. But what's peculiar was that, whenever I attempted to draw the gestures, I felt like I could still do it better. I could still have a better feel of the "action", and make the drawings more "readable".
From another perspective, the deprivation from more things the internet could offer, gave me the opportunity to value and make things work with what I have. From a young age, I already have a grasp on the concept of "budget". To make the most out of what we had. A little tangent; in time, I have observed it's one of the many avenues that parallel, between me and my family. How they choose to live with the outlook, "if you're lacking something or have something and want more of it, simply get more". On the other hand, I became the type that thinks, "recognize how much I only have; then, make the most out of it.. To have more than enough is not the need, but a blessing. Learn to appreciate". To be humble, and to not chase after having more than enough. It's good practice.
I sure had a lot to say before I proceed to what comes next, after studying from Sir Kimon Nicolaides' book; the first class hours is from 7:00 to 12:00. Next, from 12:00 to 18:00, I proceed to learn anatomy from Sir Stephen Rogers' book. In the times when I'm most absorbed in it, I continue studying as late as 3 in the morning. But when regulated, I generally stop around 18:00 and take a break for the day. At this point, I still wasn't studying for the sake of "a future where I am a working professional artist". It was more about just because I wanted to get better at drawing. And that I wanted to try studying more seriously and committedly than I ever tried before.
In the afterhours of my "classes", I believe I read mangas and played a mobile game, interchangeably. The notable one being the manga-reading. As I've mentioned before, I read Berserk and Vagabond; Takehiko Inoue's more widely known work is Slam Dunk, by the way. That of which I read the following year. The Vagabond series was a source of great entertainment and learning for me. Its visuals and storytelling is one of the best of its kind. And it also has the element, which I am personally fond of; the element of "values" or "teachings". In line with the nature of the story, the growth of the protagonist as a person was conveyed and pictured in such ways that, it made me reflect upon my own life. Vagabond provided me with multiple occasions of reflection.. How I wish I would choose to find time for some meditation again.. How I wish I could afford to..
I also listen to various music. It is sad though, that, besides the reason "I like the music; therefore, I'll listen to it", I also listened to music for the sake of drowning out the noise as much as possible. And it went on for a lengthy amount of time, that kind of listening. It is sad because I feel like, in a way, I offended the songs because I am using them as meatshield; as sacrifice, even. I am not fond of the thought of utilizing the songs I value, to override the morbid reality I was living in... It was months later before I realized that infusing my reason for listening to music with, "so I can't hear the verbal harassments", made listening to music, an unpleasant thing to do. Since I practiced listening to music, all the while having that second purpose, there were days when I stop at the last moment, before I even put in my earphones. Or just stop the music midway. It saddens me that such a healing and personal practice, had to be tainted with such an undeserving thought.. From it, I learned that adding more "element" to a scene doesn't necessarily mute out nor erase the unwanted ones. That to "resolve" the "issues", one needs to uproot the "sources". It's tragic how, more often, the ones we value feel easier to give up or compromise rather than dealing with the "source" of a tension. In this context, the source of tension was external. It wasn't coming from me, personally. For had the issue been an intrapersonal one, it's simply going to be a matter of self-discipline. But because the source of tension, the source of stress, was somebody else besides me; it becomes a nastier thing altogether. One of the hardest things to deal with, is people. Especially if said person does not even have basic ethics, such as respecting another person's privacy.. I know that this paragraph tells my impressions about my family; I hope the readers could understand later on as to why - if I ever come to extreme points - do I sound negative about them. Anyways, so as to correlate the observation I had with listening to music, to the practice of art.
For example: continuing to draw the eyes, nose, and mouth of a face, doesn't necessarily make things look better, if the overall head shape is off to begin with. As for the event of me, "wrongfully" listening to music, I can say that I also did the same thing with art. How I used the practice like a safeguard to keep me sane.. How it sometimes felt like enough of a reason to demand life for an answer, as to why it lets such a thing to happen. To let something as meaningful as art-making be sullied by the frivolities of people who can't even appreciate it. In this case, was I in the wrong, then? Since it was I, Carl, who intended to use drawing to protect himself? Yes. Since had he not wielded the intent while drawing, then technically speaking, the integrity of art-making would have been "preserved".. Nevertheless, was it so wrong of him? For him to seek shelter within the only thing remaining he cared about? To choose to keep on doing it, even though he could have done so without the secondary intention (he could have also done better had he been drawing, only for the sake of it)?. To all of this, Carl wants to say, "Yes. I could have drawn without having to harbor the virtuous practice of drawing with the intention of using it to distract myself from the things around me; the things I never even asked for, in the first place. And yes, I surely could have learned and drawn better had I not weighed down it down so much... BUT WHAT CAN I DO. What can I do if the reality I was living in, was simply crazy.. terms would not exist if they have no definitions; the crazy would not exist if crazy things weren't real.. I never asked to be verbally harassed while I'm drawing nor for any other thing, thank you.. When all I was asking for was to be respected, to let me be with my privacy; still, I was dismayed. Dismayed for the minutes, hours, days, weeks, months, and years to come.. No wonder I couldn't help but infuse my practice with: the hope of having art, pull me out of from the dark and downward spiral pit I was born into. But no wonder too, that the practice becomes heavy, because of the fact. Since by doing so, it weighs down drawing, with my hopes for a better future. With my hopes of one day being able to draw without having to be on the end of my nerves throughout the day.. With my hopes of one day to be able to draw inspiration from my immediate surrounding. And that my failures in art, be simply failures in art. That it is not a failure in my attempt to not be stuck in this hellhole for the rest of my life..
Sometimes I still wonder: was it ever a good thing? That the passion and desire for drawing ever happened upon me? Upon someone who lives in a society, and born into a family, that doesn't value it? But at the same time, I also immediately refute it with: Of course it is a good thing. Why would the love for art ever be wrong? In a similar sense, one can say that being alone in righteousness does not make you at fault simply because everyone around you preaches only the wrong. Being alone in the creative pursuit does not make a person at fault simply because everyone around him see it only as "gimmick".
I spent every night, in hopes of closing the day in a good note, by reading manga or watching anime. Among them was this one anime series called "Yuru Camp". It kept me company through the dark times. How much I re-watched the 12-episode series probably ticks around 5 to 6 times. For a synopsis, its story revolves around 5 junior high girls that like camping. It's theme being all about the mellow vibes and sharing the love for camping.. Since I was amidst such negative breathing space, I absorbed and all the more appreciated the peace and comfort Yuru Camp has. I am giving a shoutout to Yuru Camp simply because its one of the ways we show our appreciation for the things we care about, or recognize that has value: which is to share. I just want share Yuru Camp with as much people as I can, if anything. For as much as I was lamenting my day-to-day reality, I also knew and kept on believing that life is more than "me". More than my current experiences; my limited reality. That life is something that is much bigger and meaningful.
It's still 2020, but it's already August. I virtually graduated from Senior High during May; I was about to enter college. And with regards to it, my initial plans were: to hopefully pass the entrance exam which I took months prior, of a much esteemed college, and to take up Fine Arts as my course. Considering the high skill floor, if I fail to reach the passing grade, I would proceed to the a branch of the same university; then, I would study towards becoming a doctor with good pay instead. Indeed, at this point in time, my "career" was still up in the air. If I won't be able to take up the Fine Arts course at the better university, I am also fine with taking up other courses as long as they'll land me on a job with high income. Just let it be a little fun, at least.. The only concern I worried about that time was: "I am finally beginning my college life.. My 16-hour drawing sessions is at risk!. No, it's inevitable! I'll have to give up some time for things other than drawing!!".. That was my only concern.
Release of College Entrance Exams Results Day. I could not remember the exact words of the email, but it was more or less worded out like, "thank you for taking the college entrance exam..". It was said that the readable word to passers is "congratulations!". I got a thanks, in my end. I surely would remember always, how much difference I had in terms of score. To pass, I needed: .012 points more. That .012, I believe, was from my undeniable lack of proficiency with mathematics. Needless to say, the fractal difference was enough to keep me away from the only good chance I had to pursue art, in the "academic" approach, in my geography. Then, I would be proceeding to the second branch of the same university, right? And just become a doctor with good pay?. Turns out, the system works like: those who selected y branch as their second choice would be put to lower priority compared to those who chose y branch as their first. That being said, second-choice applicants would have to submit and write additional requirements, to be drafted. It seemed like a tantamount hassle to me; therefore, I did not push it through. Moving forward, I entered the second university of choice, instead. With it, comes the catch: I did not decide nor peeked on even one of their available courses; the Fine Arts course is offered only at the first university, that's why.. Then again, I was more or less still undecided as to what do I want to pursue as my potential career.
Among the list of courses, I eyeballed Architecture and Literature Studies. I went with Architecture since: I could see myself studying and learning more about it, actively and with interest. And also, considerably because I get to draw, I guess. However, on top of passing the university's entrance exams, it seems that the university's Architectural Department has its own entrance exam of sorts. Aspiring students of the course had to choose what "illustration test" they would take. The first option was to free-hand, "architecture-style" illustrate a given building (I believe it was like the national bank or library). Second, was to draw a basket of fruits; it has to be colored or at least shaded. Third is to draw a set of subjects, in relative proportions. Fourth, was to draw a flower in a vase. Lastly and fifth, was to draw a room interior, with details regarding the choice of colors, style, theme, etc.
I chose to draw: a flower in a vase, a set of subjects with respect to each other's proportions, and a room interior. Outside of university woes, a few days prior, I actually took up and planned on participating in a drawing contest of sorts for a chance to win a casual laptop. I was beguiled by the contest prize since I could very much appreciate utilizing a laptop for the drawing practice and its studies. So all in all, I had to draw 4 different outputs, whose deadlines are almost on the same day. Bang! I believe I just shot myself in the foot, back then and there. Oh wait, besides the illustrations, I also needed to record and submit a 2-minute self-introductory video, for the review of the Architecture Department, therein expressing my interest to apply for the course.. What's interesting is that, at the time, I was healing from my 4th consecutive wisdom tooth surgery, and my mouth was still fairly swollen.
All the while researching what I needed for the bird drawing, I was also drawing the requirements for the architecture course. I believe all in all, it was about a week worth of "semi-crunched" time. In the end, I managed to finish everything, including filming my swollen face, while I tried to explain why I deserve a seat in learning architecture.
While doing the bird drawing, I remembered thinking about how working with multiple stock photos, and to then just simply draw them well on paper, reminded me the unpleasant encounter I had with somebody at Discord, months prior. It was an encounter where another member of the server commented on a submission drawing I did. That of which I submitted for a fanart contest. It was a copy of an in-game portrait. The guy said, "hey, that's unfair. That shouldn't be considered valid because you only just copied a work, it's not original".. It was screaming with the impression, "you despicable fake, how dare you", much so.
I don't think I said anything in retaliation to the random person who publicly criticized my submission. I had mixed feelings about the whole scenario. For one, I had a nice experience with this drawing. It made me relive to some degree, how I once drew after the anime/game/manga characters I liked, back when I was a kid. Also, I believe I was coming back from a slump, or maybe just generally feeling low at the time, and that doing and finishing the above drawing lifted my spirits up somehow. Nevertheless, because of what the random human said, of course I felt kind of agitated. The intention behind his/her words were bare enough to let everybody who managed to read his chat, know how much he despised the entry. Furthermore, I also felt guilty. Looking at it, especially now that I am more informed than I was that time, technically speaking, based on the possible verdict of the contest head, it can be outed, invalidated. At this point of my explanation, I just want to mention that if it ever came to the point - to which it didn't - where my entry would have been discussed by more people if it was a valid entry; I didn't really cared that much about the contest, that's why, I would have personally withdrawn my entry, had such an occasion happened.. At the end of the day, I appreciated the value of the drawing and the experience it brought me; I entered the contest with clear consciousness - I did not, for a moment, thought that I was doing something wrong. I was much uninformed about copyright; but, already know enough that copying another work, part by part, makes the copy drawing a "lesser" original. Hence, with respect to all factors, I rested my case by withdrawing my unoriginal submission, while respecting its inherent value to me, that of which only I would and could ever appreciate.
Left: I believe is mainly a Drapery Study.
Right: Definitely Mass Drawing. To touch every part of the form, with only the tip of a ballpoint pen.. I was never and still am not a fan of the specific roughness between pen and paper; that specific roughness which makes the skin "tingle" or "cringe". Never did I knew I could tolerate such repulsive sensory experience, until I had to draw this image of a person's behind for an hour, non-stop. With my focus on living out the form, I eventually became numb to the scritch-scratch and felt only the "steady accumulation of mass".
Left: The window through which sunlight passes; used to be my only source of light. At 14:30, when its hot everywhere, lit. everything you can touch has "temperature".
Upper-Right: I don't remember when, but after some time, I requested from my sister to buy a cheap laptop table; I intended and used it as a makeshift desk. Also used an emergency lamp as a desk lamp.
Lower-Right: I was listening mostly to either J-Pop or Metal. The drawing is about a song from Slipknot's first album, which title I could not remember.
.. I suddenly remembered as well. The makeshift table was good; the feedback between the table, the paper, and the mechanical pencil I was using, was desirable. But even at the most optimal angle, it wasn't enough to "ergonomically" support my hand. The things was meant for laptops, after all.. Because of this, I occasionally suffered from pain, deep in the wrist. As for the light.. Haha, it's a miracle I could still see today, now that I think about it!
Left and Right: Derivative works from the game Resident Evil 7: Biohazard. Both of which I consider as "Memory Drawings"... And I guess I still do, because honestly, they're still some of the strongest pieces until now; they left very significant impressions. For illustrations which I consciously based only on the impressions I felt and the visuals I could remember from the game; for impression-based drawings, it was a first for me to happen upon such "readable" works. I can't deny that I'm impressed with them, myself.
All of the above: The quick studies I did for the drawing contest I wanted to participate in. My objective was to learn about the general form of the prompted bird, and information about feathers. I ended up learning about the various types of feathers, and what is first prominent in chicks, more prominent in adults, how aerodynamics is the reason for their designa , etc.
Left: My entry for the celebration of the Great Philippine Eagle, Philippines' National Bird. Drawing on a paper meant for painting had a peculiar feel to it.
Right: The "interior design" illustration for the architecture secret entrance exam. I could not find a picture of the two other entries; nevertheless, the little drawing "hanged" within the drawing above is a mini-rendition - a cameo, if you will - of my flower-in-a-vase entry. Apparently, for architecture, drawing a basket of fruits was important; or at least explain your chosen color scheme for an interior design.
This was the copy drawing I made of an in-game character portrait.