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     It was one serene night, when I was just about to trance into sleep and call quits with the day, when I came across the thought: what if... what if I try to practice the "approaches" or "mindsets" I engage with, during my drawing sessions, in my daily life? Up until that point, there was this dichotomy between: time spent on drawing, on art, and time spent by Carl, on his immediate reality. I used to live while observing this demarcation between "all things meaningful" and "all things meaningless". I've always allocated and spent as much time as I could for "art time". And conversely, wanted to be economic and fickle with my "reality time". I did not want to spend much time on actions where, I am bound to be more aware of my surroundings.. My "studying/productive time" was only existing within the duration of "art time". As I was trying to safeguard myself from the conundrums of my household, I became inflexible in terms of the application and observation of the lessons I was learning. For the lessons and values I was learning in art, were actually lessons and values to be found in life. After all: art IS about life. And with that, even in Carl's demeaning immediate reality, life values still apply.

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     As I was (and still am) in the earlier years of the practice, much of my efforts were improvement-driven. To be as accurate and faithful as I can be with my studies and their subject matters.. I decided to carry on this "as best as I could" mindset, in virtually everything I was doing. I started washing the dishes in the best possible way; with "best" determined by the amount of time spent, "quality"/cleanliness, amount of total energy spent (how much was I able to minimize fatigue). I started drinking water in the most optimal way. I also started optimizing my eating time, the way I took a bath, the way I did my business, and so on.. It is not absurd, when one looks at the scenario, with the logic: improvement most probably lie within one's "best". There wont be a "best way to do x thing" if its not "bestable" to begin with. Therefore, if there is a "best way to do x thing", and improvement might lie within one's "best", then why not try to "best" in everything? to improve, in everything?. I found the "doing one's best in everything" an interesting mindset, or "challenge". And I still engage with it on a daily basis.. It is important at this point, for it to be clarified that the continuation of the pursuit of "doing one's best in everything" is still happening; but, is no longer necessarily being pursued by "me", "Carl". For Carl, a mortal with limits, does not have the capacity to pull off something as intense as doing his best on every turn.. But "they" surely can; life can. Life, effortlessly is, always at its best.

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     It only took weeks, before I felt the exhaustion from my conscious efforts in doing my best in drinking, walking, breathing, sitting, eating, sleeping, scratching my arms, listening to music, drawing. From the get-go, I anticipated that "doing my best" in everything is bound to wear me off, since, "doing my best" in everything means I would have to give "my everything" for every thing. For the definition of "best" to me was lacking without the concept of "living out and doing all possible and helpful inputs in concern of x thing". "I" had to exhaust all my effort and knowledge in every aspect I could have possibly tried to do my best on.. As it was with drawing, "I" was in the picture again. "Carl" was the doer again. The "key person".

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     ... But the thing is.. As much as itis I, at the end of the day, who needs to physically do an action, or mentally think about an idea; as much as it was I who needs to "live out a decision" (the actual movement in space-time), the "best" way of doing something (for example, in my case, is drawing), is to let it be (to let the drawing happen).. It is, to simply let "it" happen.

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     Before the "living out" or actual movement in space-time of doing the thing, approach it with the intent and hopes of doing your best on it; then, just let the thing happen. Let it roll without the need of "your" presence. Of "your" efforts. Of "your" everything. As much as I defined once defined "best" as me "doing everything that I can for x thing", I later learned about and came across the wisdom: for everything I could possibly do, as much as I am needed, I am not.

 

     To approach this golden life value with more context, I'll make us of my situation again as an example; Carl's situation. Before, Carl's drawings were approached with much conscious effort. As he drew, he was greatly concerned that if he does not put all the effort he knows he could put in, and believes he should put in; his everything, he won't be able to create the best version of a drawing. Therefore, if he wants to, let's say, "be able to illustrate every drawing in their best possible versions", he has to exhaust his entire being for every drawing he would do, for the rest of his life.. One would not be able to last - an artist, would not be able to last - long in life, should he carry on with such a nuanced way of living. For one, it demands "his" everything for every instance/moment/action. But more importantly; even if he does his conscious best of efforts, ultimately, tragically, he would not be able to live out "the" best. To put more tangible context again, for an example: even if Carl tries "his" best, gives "his" everything, to do this one drawing, ultimately, tragically, he won't be able to illustrate, to live out, the drawing in its best possible form. For the best of drawings are of their own entity. Of their own "best" value.. For the best of drawings came to be, not mainly because their artists did "their" best, but because they was given as much freedom, as much life, as much gesture, as much existence, and as much love as they could have ever possibly received... For the best of drawings need only themselves, for them to be at their best.. For Art, that of which is rooted in life; for life needs nothing more than itself, so does a drawing need nothing more, nor anyone, besides itself.

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     As much as a drawing could never literally become/"happen"/exist without its artist; it is its own existence. Its own life.

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     2021. I waged on with my studies through the months, and there wasn't that much happening. Time progressed, and I'm glad that I was drawing while it did. After months of waiting, the results of the manga competition came in. I did not qualify. I did not "win"; I wasn't able to get my hands on the "ticket to Japan".. As I took another look at my entry, I was amazed how I had been fine with such work. It objectively looked less appealing than, when I was working on it. While I was drawing the entry, I was very sure that it was doing very well, and that I actually have a good chance in winning a place at the competition.. Indeed, the work was very much alive in my mind; but, it wasn't necessarily that "pretty", on paper. Or on tablet, in my case. I am not condemning its integrity, nor of its innate value which I still recognize it holds. They are real. But also just as real is: how the entry showed how incapable I was, as an amateur artist, not in terms of how much I could feel, but simply on how much I can technically execute. That's why, with the opportunity still out there - the competition's first half for 2021 was about to commence -, and with the entry grounding me on where I actually was from a technical standpoint, I continued to strive for improvement. At the time, I was not being as exclusive to honing only manga-related skills, as I was during my first attempt. I know that I would give my best shot on the next round of the competition; but, I still remained open in learning other aspects of the art practice. That being said, I began drawing various portraits and illustrations. I believe it was around November 2020 when I came across the VTuber community, specifically Hololive's VTubers. A company of "Virtual Youtubers", within the Youtube platform. It's important for me to mention this because plentiful of my later illustrations are mainly inspired by some of the company's talents. A lot of times I have their streams, mainly of Minato Aqua's, playing in the background while I was drawing. They kept me company in my otherwise lonely day-to-day life. And whenever their presence are vivid enough, I dive into illustrating the visions and put on hold whatever I was studying at the moment, most of the time. After all, what is the purpose of the studies if I would choose more than the act of illustrating "actual" pieces. But of course, the converse applies just as valid, wherein: sometimes a handful of good study sessions is more valuable than drawing hundreds of half-baked "actual" pieces. The premise has its own circle; and that it has to be observed in its entirety, if one wishes to understand the whole picture.

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     As much as I have observed the life value: to let things be, to let things happen on their own; I have just began recognizing its existence and presence in life. I was barely able to observe it in my practice at all. In the context of the above illustration: as clear as the vision was, I still worked in close proximity (digitally zoomed in) to it, plenty occupied with only the linework. I zoomed in as I drew, cleaning every little "overflow" of the lines. I was tunneling my vision to only one aspect of the work; I was still very much afraid of looking at the whole picture, of just letting things happen. I believe I was subconsciously aware that, "I am doing my best again". I felt that I had to do my best in tidying up every nook and cranny of the contours, because if I don't, the piece would fail. It did not necessarily went wrong, it turned out better than what I was expecting from myself even, thanks to the strong gesture it possessed. I also do not intend to be very critical of my past self when I say: sadly yet naturally, the flaw of being very much restrictive and overruling was there again. To further describe how my vision tunneled for the piece: take a look at the cylinders, the blue batteries, Aqua is carrying. One can observe that they are not the best of circles; but, they are also not that bad, so much that they would stand out and make the drawing feel off. Nevertheless, I'm pretty sure I would have done a better job, had I trusted the work more upon itself, and looked at the whole picture.. Much of my concern and efforts were poured into maintaining the consistency and neatness of the linework, that I forgot to look at the actual forms of things. The whole picture; the correlation of its elements. The poor form of the cylinders are best observed at the ends of the batteries. With the front side, the front circle, of the battery closer to us being the best reference point, we can observe how elongated the other battery's front side looks like, in comparison. Even lesser is the form quality of the battery's backside.

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     I could have been laying down better lines and more accurate forms, had my field of view and focus been on the whole picture.. It took me months later before I came across the knowledge: one could recognize from the lines alone, if what they're looking at are "just lines", or the extended limbs of a figure in mid-action; purposeful lines. The power of expression lines possess is much compromised by the amateur, and treasured by the skillful.. And more months later, before I actually grasped its' value. Needless to say, a strong gesture, a strong vision, with lines being more than enough of a means to "note it down", is one of the strongest foundations a drawing could ever have. In my case, around those times when the first derivative work of Minato Aqua came about, I was still mostly drawing "just lines". I wasn't drawing her hair, I was drawing lines that could be her hair.. I wasn't drawing her body, I was drawing lines that might be her body, her contour... I was very much still drawing lines. If anything, the closest I ever got to the "best version" of the drawing probably was at the sketch. Simply because right there, I was drawing with vision. And that when I proceeded to the ""refining stage", my focus was diverted to the literals, the technicalities. The lines, the color. Not "the story", not "the subject". This has been a nuanced analysis and much critical of a comment on an amateurs' well-expected shortcoming. But the observations were already made; I might as well improve.

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    Much development happened during the past months, with regards to my familial matters. I am a little worried that I might have overlooked some points with regards to the matter, that need some mentioning. But, after elaborating on the fruitful and more meaningful subjects; I don't want to force the trivial things in.. Maybe the reason as to why I am considering, or trying to finding a reason to mention some, is because the stress was very much real. Very tangible. But yeah. I feel "blank" about it, now that I'm trying to recall if there are any moments worth noting.. If anything, I'm just thankful that I chose to persevere with the practice, through it all.

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     With a little bit of arrangement, we managed to find me a more quiet and fairly isolated spot in the house. In the first months, I shared said room with my eldest brother. He was working, and I was studying. Eventually, I was alone, when he moved to another spot.. For the first time in a long while, I was able to draw with some peace. With no sights frequently crossing mine, and with minimal noise directed towards me, I temporarily had some opportunity to be more intimate with drawing. I also managed to have a go again with the manga competition. I was more flexible the second time around compared to the first, since, I was more educated about the aspects and subjects I needed to consider. It was pleasant to have a little bit of my privacy back; as if it's something that I should ask for, and is not a given. Being located in that new spot had it's own catch, though: it was hot. It was hot at the living room too , yes, but at the small room, it was thrice the heat. Most of the time I spent there, I had to stop drawing at around 14:00-15:30 simply because the heat is so intense, that I'm afraid it might further damage the already overheating drawing tablet and laptop I am using. Eyes sore from both the screen's light and heat, and soaked in sweat all day long. The price I had to pay to get some of my privacy back, was to endure a sauna of sorts, on a daily basis.. But more intense than the 38° C room temperature was my burning passion for drawing. It naturally has its upswings and downswings, my motivation, but I more or less continued studying.

 

     I wonder if it's only me who believes that: silence is becoming more golden since society at large, is getting noisier. I wonder if in this life of mine, I would be able to afford a quiet and comfortable place for me. There wouldn't be such a thing as "peaceful" if "chaotic" doesn't exist as well. And it's very hard, having to struggle everyday, trying your best to be careful with and respectful of your practice that takes time, of a practice that is best observed in silence, of a practice that moves on a different pace than the "regular life's", amidst an environment that won't survive without noise.. Being alone at the small room gave me the opportunity to finally let some of myself to "speak". One of the artist's greater friends is silence, for silence provides the "room", the "space", where an artist could settle his mind in, enabliing him to create with comfort and peace of mind. That being said, I've always experienced much trouble trying to concentrate on the practice whenever there's unwanted ambient noise... This problem of mine, of wailing about how I don't have a place to stay where I could appreciate drawing in peace, is an issue solvable with money. I literally only need the cash. Because with it, I would be able to afford my own space/house, where I could then be alone with drawing, for as long as I desire. But sadly, I'm no son of a rich family nor a citizen of a first-world country where it's easier to earn some... I don't want to stop drawing; but, I also can't deny the fact that I need money to be able to afford a place where I could engage with it, in its full potential.. But yeah, I could not concern myself with earning money and buying my own house, if only the people around me able to think about and consider mu perspective. My art practice is very much similar to meditation. Similar on how it's best observed where your focus can be directed only towards your inner thoughts; no distractions. On how it is a practice which becomes all the more vast and meaningful, when given the time and respectable approach.. Compromises are something everybody has. But for an artist, if he wants to be skillful and adept with his practice, he must shed as much of his personal discriminations as he can. He needs to be open to everything life gives. And it is a very rewarding and humbling feat to pull off; he is trying to accept life in its totality, after all.. Just as how respect is best practiced in a reciprocate relationship; the same thing applies on how one's degree of appreciating and understanding of life reciprocates with how open he is to it.. And that artists, or any other type of people for that matter, who choose to live an "open life", are commonly scorned by the discriminating society. For close-mindedness is the more prevalent way of life. How today, we are living in a society that would rather choose white or black, happiness or sadness, peace or chaos, over life's rich gray, life's graceful serenity.. I would always find it so dumb, that a lot of people would rather have themselves bounce off from a definite position, rather than appreciating the natural emptiness, where everything about life could be learned. 

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     I have observed how people are generally disturbed, or restless, whenever they're in a quiet space. How they subconsciously feel uneasy whenever there are no notable stimuli around them, which they could react from. That's why, they'd rather choose to make noise, to make a fuss. Because silence is such a scary thing to them.. I myself, also understand why it is, why it could be. First, because I am a person as well. And that, this observation makes sense to me because I know it firsthand. And secondly, because after recognizing how unnerving silence could be, I also learned its healing effects.. In silence, one tends to face his inner thoughts, if not inevitable. To confront his inner self. And that if one chooses to preoccupy himself with social media or whatnot to keep him away from the purging silence, there tends to be this piling up of tension.. And when the time comes that he is left only with himself, he would then face this monstrosity, this abomination, of unchecked "self-existence".. I hope that someday, the majority would manage to understand and appreciate the need to strike a balance between spending time in peace and spending time in "action". For the sad reality is that, it is most promoted for the people to one-sidedly spend time in action. To spend time in doing something. To spend all of their time being on a chase.. The concept of an "adventurous way of life" is a noble thing in its own right; but, it becomes nuanced the moment it is considered as the entirety of life.. It is a hard world to live in, the current "hyper-paced" society, as an artist; his practice is of one that is most fruitful in peace and spent thousands of hours upon, in contrast to practices that are tension-reliant and rarely focuses time on one thing.. And that in my case, I lean towards spending a lot of time, in peace; it's where my practice flourishes the most... And that the environment I have is more or less living all the time only in short-burst actions. Compulsive and impatient, always having to be up to something stimulating..  I can't help it but to see those kind of people as monkeys; such a comparison might even be offensive to the primates in some instances..

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     Talking about banana-lovers, I also appreciated the sound of the rustling banana leaves I used to hear in that small room. There is a banana tree at our backside neighbor's neighbor. I find it "caring", the sound of the gentle gusts of the wind, followed by the banana leaves. And also the chirping of the birds. Needless to say, my appreciation for the "natural" sounds, life's sounds, is there, as it had always been.. I appreciate life's timeless songs, as much as I do with music.. And that the art I know, my practice of it, also appreciates the vivid emptiness that is always there. It's one of the simple things which greatly soothes my soul, ever since I was a kid. That's why, I would always grab every chance to be grounded and simple be in the same presence with nature, be connected with the life around me. How said experience makes my existence minute and fleeting in the big scope of life, is invaluable. If only I could, I don't mind spending my whole life simply existing and appreciating as life unfolds before me. To observe the death and reborn of life.. Just as how it had always been, since time immemorial. How life, with its universal scale, is naturally incomprehensible to us. And that no matter how relevant and real our personal woes, joys, tragedies, successes, and struggles are, they don't really "matter" to Life. For our personal experiences are fickle happenings in comparison to the scale of life... And upon such a universal scale, I hope to continue basing my practice of the arts upon. For the practice to have all-life as its foundation, for it to not be restricted by my being.. That even though the existence of "my" works is ultimately at the mercy of my will to live them out, they are things which could achieve its "best", only when mainly rooted in its greatest possible influencer: Life. All-life.

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